NO Explanations

How can I explain myself now I use to have logic to dictate my actions but I lost my way some how so my only conclusion is that my heart has fully turn black so many mistakes can turn something so big and red like that now I walk through this world without a single care I..m searching for something that use to be there yet it..s gone forever I use to be the one that said never will I stop the love that is inside but I let it go and now it has died I tried to resurrect it hopeless I found it to be because of this emptiness that is over crowding me sometimes I feel happy otherwise disdain not bitter just over shadowed by pain yet I found comfort in it because I became so use to it all I can rise up but yet I look for the fall it jus follows so close behind failure & that is not an option yet its always mine to others it does not seem that way because they look from the outside but not at me all I want is to be free from disappointments that always come my way love is no longer a factor it always leaves questions never answers so now what do I do just what I want Lie to myself no else I only speak the truth when ask of me other than that Im silent no gasp no sigh if you want to know my true feelings I let you know I promise I will not lie but I will not express them without consent jus buy my time until I feel enough has been spent so many words I will not speak aloud for they hover over me like a black cloud it..s gone take some time for my emotions to fully be free here and now it..s not going to happen for me I build everything I knew on making myself happy yet the job is never ending I keep starting over never making it to the beginning where all my despair lays ahead so I do not look for those days for the wounds are too deep to bust open the stitches traveling back could only make me listless, lethargic,and even modified for all I remember is lies that I was told and lies I told myself I created an imbalance that overthrew me and I couldn..t be help I found it or did it find he was like a pillar of things that I wanted to have in me shocking to my soul his coldness gave me strength that took my breath from me I was not afraid for I felt he help me find my way I only wish he could help me now I can..t ask him because my pride will not yield the words out my mouth he probably has no idea that small things makes big differences in my world yeah the growing pains of a girl who is soon to be walking in a woman..s shoes I am at a crossroad which way will I choose a difficult journey win or lose still no explanation is laid out in my path what do I want has no relevance to what I have and what I have has no relevance to what I want success is nothing without a love to share but how can one love if they start not to care so many question I..m still at square one I..ll search for my answers until the deed is done no explanation as of now I..ll found them some way some how.